A few days ago an old friend of mine messaged me as asked “Hey, so what’s going on with the diet thing?” and I have not replied. Mainly because I am really not doing anything diet related, haven’t been for some time. Do I need to focus on my weight and health? Of course I do! Am I focusing on my weight and health? Heck NO!
So here I am, finally facing the reality that I need to focus on my weight and health again. It’s not easy admitting that I’ve been slacking and not following through with my own advice, but it’s important to be honest with myself and with all of you. While I have been focusing on this blog I have not been “practicing what I preach” and I guess that is hypocritical. So I am posting this to have full transparency and accountability. The message from my old friend was a wake-up call, and I’m grateful for the reminder that it’s time to get back on track. I know that this journey won’t be easy, but I’m ready to take it on. I’m ready to take control of my emotional eating habits and find healthier ways to cope with my emotions. I’m ready to make a real change, and I hope I can inspire others to do the same. So here’s to a new beginning, to focusing on my weight and health, and to finally winning the battle against emotional eating.
I have been floundering at my current weight (give or take 20 pounds) for many years. I get motivated for very short periods and I let the emotional eater take over. If I’m sad, stressed, anxious and sometimes even happy I tend to eat for comfort. I’m sure there are SO many reasons that I could blame that on, but truthfully I choose to eat in those situations. It has been a lifelong battle that (other than a short period when I was in my late teens/early 20’s) its a battle that have been losing.
I can easily blame my upbringing for my being fat. My mom especially attaches food to everything, even at 91 years old it’s still happening. Every holiday has a ‘tradition’ that is always food related. I don’t mean like Thanksgiving dinner or an Easter ham, I am talking more about a specific Macaroni Salad that is ‘tradition’ to eat on new years day along with ham and swill on rye. Every year that is what we have .I’m also talking about each family vacation or any trip, part of that planning revolved around where we would eat. A trip up north? We get to eat at “Emil Vilas”. Vegas? The Hilton buffet! Visit my grandparents it was either “The Farm House| or the Chinese place (or both). There were many dishes, mostly sweets, that were the ‘tradition’ at certain times of the year like home made ice cream sandwiches that would be ice cream sandwiched between 2 home made brownies. They were made in bulk at the start of the summer and in the freezer for an instant snack. When I got home from elementary school I always had a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies and a half gallon of milk… That was comforting to me.
As I said, I can easily blame my mom and my upbringing for my obesity, but I really can’t. I and 59 years old and mom hasn’t been involved in what I eat for over 35 years. In that time (and before) I have understood weight gain and loss, the value of exercise, how detrimental being unfit can be to your body, mental health and life span. Yet I still am fat. No one has forced me to over eat, to eat huge portions, to eat sugary treats, not one time has anyone held a gun to head and said “Order the milkshake!” This is all self inflicted.
I quit smoking about 25 years ago. I was smoking 2 1/2 packs a day and had tried to wean off and quit several times before. When I finally quit it was cold turkey, it was difficult and I knew that if I had even one hit from a cigarette I would be smoking 2+ packs a day in no time. So I have avoided that completely. I have often thought (and said) that if you could just quit food cold turkey and never have to take a single bite again that I would be successful in getting and staying thin by just avoiding food all together. and as unrealistic as that is, I do believe that would work for me.
But, truth is, I do have to eat at times so its more about what I eat, how much I eat and when I eat that matters. I had a doctor for many years who had obviously never had a weight issue. I know this becaue he would bring up my weight and then say “Losing weight is very simple. You just have to burn more calories that you intake” Obviously this was not some ground breaking news to me but to him there was no issue with just doing that and dropping all the weight I have been carrying for years. I have tried so many diets, so many modifications to my lifestyle, researched and planned so many times and so far nothing has ‘stuck’… so far.
Which brings me to motivation, frame of mind, desire and goals. I do not feel motivated right now and am not in a positive frame of mind. I have let life run me over and take control of all of that. Depression and ambivalence are overwhelming at times. While I am actively working on these mental health issues, I am not doing anything to directly improve my weight or health.
I have been in this spot so, so many times and sometimes I can get motivated, lose weight, get some exercise. But it is almost always short lived. In a perfect world I would have the money to hire a healthy chef who would shop for and prepare each meal and snack. I would have a trainer available to motivate me and help me be more active. But I am on my own on this. I do most of the shopping and cooking in the home. and I am to blame for the junk snacks and the high calorie meals. I need to think outside the box and not do the same old thing again.
- Motivation: I have had the same motivation before. Wanting to not hurt. Wanting to be able to do active things and not moan and grown just standing from the couch. I don’t want 10 people to have to try to lift my body to be cremated after I die. I want to be around for my family and see them grow and achieve all sorts of things. I don’t want to be seen as that fat guy anymore.
- Frame of Mind: I have always believed that 99% of being successful in this is frame of mind. Once in my life I have had the right mindset to loose weight and get healthy. That was when I was 18-19 years old. The catalyst then was a girl… actually any girl… I was lonely and on Valentines day 1982 I decided I was not going to be lonely next Valentines Day. That focus and desire and goal translated to a major change in my diet and my activity. For the next year I worked out every night and I ran every night no matter what. I started out with a not so healthy diet and after a month and 32 pounds lost I felt weak, I felt tired. So I started a much smarter diet and on Valentines Day 1983 I was still just as lonely, but I weighed 73 pounds less and was just about at my goal weight. I was now running 5-7 miles a day. I was able to do pull ups for the first time in my life. and I was much more confident. I maintained that level of focus even when my exercising became less frequent. I was able to keep that weight off for about 2 1/2 years. That being said, I don’t realistically see myself at that level now, but I need to have enough focus to control my caloric intake and increase my current activity level and I need to keep that focus.
- Desire: I touched on this above but basically I desire to be a ‘normal’ weight. For me that is about 235 pounds (roughly 150 pounds les than I do now). I desire to be able to go and do stuff I enjoyed in the past. Bowling is a huge desire of mine, but my knee hurts under this weight. I desire being able to buy clothes at ‘normal’ stores and not have to order 5X sizes. I desire to not get exerted doing ;normal; things… climbing a flight of stairs, taking clothes to the washer, pushing my 3 year old on the swings.
- Goals: I have had a weight goal of 218 for many years. While I thing I would be fine at 235, 218 has remained the goal. When I lost the weight at age 19 I got to a low of 198 and that was not good for me. so my long term weight goal is a realistic 235 . But that seems too unsurmountable, too hard. So I need to break this goal into smaller goal milestones and assign target dates (On of my favorite quotes is ‘A goal without a date is just a dream’) There will be another post soon with my detailed goals. Other goals I will set involve NSV’s (Non Scale Victories). These are things that you can see or do that are not related to your exact weight, such as being able to get up and down from sitting easily or to fit in a certain shirt. In addition I will create some goals directly related to my health, reducing my blood pressure, having pain free knees, etc.
So this is my plan. I will be posting from time to time but the main focus of this site will remain to provide motivational tip to help others with their weight and health.
