Click to Enlarge (that’s what she said!)
That is my favorite line from one of my favorite movies The Shawshank Redemption and it’s basically what an old friend I’ve know since elementary school said to me 2 days ago in a message on Facebook. That message along with a lot of other forces in the universe is why I am back here posting to this blog for the first time in over 2 1/2 years.
Let me try to explain what is going on with me to put me here. The last 2 years have involved complete upheaval in my life. I left my job, separated from my wife, moved out of the state I grew up in got divorced and then got married, had a health scare and spent 8 days in the hospital (went to the ER and had multiple blood clots in both lungs (Bi-Lateral Pulmonary Embolisms). I have been on blood thinners and have my blood tested monthly. I have been in the ER more times in the last 18 months than I had been in the last 20 years. It was concern for my health that triggered the message I was sent.
One month ago I went to the ER… I had felt perfectly fine at 7:00 pm but by 10:30 pm I was shivering like I never have in my life… long story short the next morning, feeling like death and still with 101+ fever I went to the ER, they found nothing and decided it was a virus and it would run it’s course. I actually felt much better later that day but remained weak for several days. Then a few days ago I woke up in the morning with the same shivers, it was the exact same thing, felt fine the night before then BAM I felt like I was dying… this is no exaggeration when I say I can only remember being this sick once in my life (prior to the incident a month ago) and that was a really bad abscess in my gums. I posted on Facebook about it. This was why my friend messaged me. I was feeling like crap and I appreciated the message and briefly replied thanking her. I waited this one out and felt a little better that night. The next morning the front of my right lower leg was red, hot to the touch and hurt. A couple of the veins were really protruding and painful. Everything pointed to a blood clot.
Back in October when I had the Pulmonary Embolism I was really lucky. My father died from a sudden massive clot in his lungs when he was 53 years old (actually he was 53 Years, 9 Months and 13 days old). I didn’t have the gasping for air and major pain at all… mine was a slight discomfort if I took a deep breath… the only reason I went in was because my blood pressure (which is high) was super high and my wife insisted I go and they found it. Interestingly I was 53 Years, 9 Months and 27 days old… 14 days older than my father when he died. This event should have been a wake up call, there have been many events over the years that should have been enough to make me change my ways, stop being lazy, start eating right and actually getting in shape… but I ignored them all… even when I had the same thing happen to me that killed my dad at almost exactly the same age.
So with the leg issue and being pretty sure it was a clot I went to the ER and luckily it wasn’t… they say this is an infection and gave me a prescription for antibiotics on the way out the door. When I was home and going through everything in my head I remembered the message from my friend and read it again and the one line that had stuck out to me the first time was “make a choice. do you want to live or die !! It’s all up to you”. It had reminded me of the line in the Shawshank Redemption that I had always loved… “I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.” That random act of kindness had come at the exact right moment. combined with everything else that has happened and what could happen was that wake up call finally. I got some clarity and focus back in my life and once again feel like I can do this, I can get in better shape, I can lose weight again, I can succeed, I am worthy it… all the things I haven’t felt for decades!
I have had flashes of inspiration before… when I was 18 I lost 73 pounds in a year, was focused and worked on it everyday no matter what. I was running daily and was in what has been the best shape of my life at the end of that year. I kept fit for a couple years then , over time, life changes and it just fell apart… marriages, divorces, job setbacks, financial stress, raising kids.. life.. all contributed to my emotional eating… the biggest gain I had was when I quit smoking 2 packs a day and gained 80+ pounds in a year… then it was 10 here, 20 there, the holidays, etc… no excuses. the events in my life didn’t cause me to get to over 400 pounds… I did this to myself. I don’t have and condition that prevented me for working it off, no genetic disorder, no one held a gun to my head and said ‘EAT IT!’. I wasn’t active and I ate whatever and whenever I wanted. As my previous doctor would say point blankly (so you could tell he had never struggled with his weight) “It’s really simple to lose weight.. you just intake less calories than your body burns” What a revelation… if it was truly ‘that’ simple.
I have tried many times and many ways to lose weight and get fit over the years. Some more successful than others and all not lasting long… I did Richard Simmons (which is how I lostthe 73 pounds when I was 18 and kept it off for many years), Fasting (very bad choice on my part), Low Carb (which made my gallbladder give out), Vegetarianism (where I proved you can be vegetarian and still have a horrible diet.. fried cheese is meat free), Weight Watchers (which did while I stayed on it), Trim Spa (Ann Nicole Smith RIP), Juicing (Green juice… YUUUUUUUK!) and others I can’t even remember. Each time I went into it feeling like I could succeed and each time I ultimately didn’t and each failure put more and more doubt into my mind that I really couldn’t do.
I started this blog in June 2008 and have abandoned and returned numerous times in those 10+ years, each time trying to succeed. Each time with a new motivation and a fresh hope. Each time with a plan and goals… my all time highest measured weight was 423.6 pounds (9/13/2010 just days over 8 years ago) I start now at 357.0 pounds, 66.6 pounds less (666?) and a long term goal of reaching 218 lbs (139 pounds to lose).
This blog has taken many forms and rather than delete it all and start over I am going to leave it all there for historic value and just change the focus and how it will work as I go. I am not going to focus on documenting every food item here (I will be counting every calorie with an app though), I won’t be fixated on updating me weight here daily (but I will be weighing and charting my progress everyday for myself and discussing my weights trends)… I will try to post something every day but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t… I will be transparent here and talk about my successes AND my failures and how I recover when that happens.. it will happen… and if I link to anything that I could earn any money from I will declare it clearly… I will credit the source of any material I post… I will keep any info you choose to provide private and never give your info to others… I will be sharing ideas that worked for me, recipes I try and either like or don’t, anything that I think is helpful, interesting, funny, sad, motivational, and try to keep the negativity out. I may add a Instagram, twitter and.or Pinterest at some point or I may not… I will be posting from time to time some shirts and other items that I sell through my website (www.worthy.fashion) to get some exposure and some sales, but will not make it a habit.
What do I want from you? I want to know you are reading this, looking around the site… I want to hear your thoughts, good or bad, either by commenting on stuff or in private by emailing me ([email protected]) I want to hear any question you mat have. I may not be able to answer it but I will try my best. I want to know that I am not doing this for just myself. That’s all.
Thank you for reading all this. I’m sure there are some typos and things that may not make too much sense, so thanks for trudging through it!
Steve Axworthy
If you haven’t seen it or want to see it again I HIGHLY recommend this movie.
AS AN AMAZON ASSOCIATE I EARN FROM PURCHASES FROM THE LINKS BELOW.
